I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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