I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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