new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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