This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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