remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
