I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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