she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
