if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
