yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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