I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
