When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
