I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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