I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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