Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
