If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
