Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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