I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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