Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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