listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
