god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
