I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
