This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
