well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
