So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
