just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
wrigley field is MILF paradise
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
