Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
