He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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