I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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