The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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