Yo dont text me then not text me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
