i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
