you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize