nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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