I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
