I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
