I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
