So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
