TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
