I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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