so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
