This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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