Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
