Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
