Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
