i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
