I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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