I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
