I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
