she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
