I cannot find my penis.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
