if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
