Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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