I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
