My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
