what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i would punch a child for taco bell
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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