Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
