so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
