are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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